Questions for the Team
by percamalec
Summary: The characters of AOS sit down for an interview. Between Ward's cooking obsession and May's Skimmons obsession, what will happen? Crack fic, swearing.
1. Boyfriend Material & More

**This is a CRACK FIC! **

**Warning: swearing**

**Interviewer: Okay, this first question is for everyone. Who do you think would be the best boyfriend material?**

**Coulson:** obviously me

**Fitz:** I would buy my girlfriend a pet monkey.

**Ward: **I think me

**Skye:** if you were a boyfriend, your girlfriend would love you so much and then one day, you'll be like "Yo betch I'm HYDRA" and then ditch the poor girl.

**Ward:** IT WAS ONE TIME

**Simmons:**hmm…

**Triplett:** I think I'd be-

**Fitz:** absolutely horrible

**May:** Coulson? I guess…?

**Fitz:** but my monkey…

**Fury:** I am the fuckin director! Vote me or I'll fire you!

**Hill:** all due respect, sir, but you gave your directorship to Coulson

**Fury:** fuck

**Simmons:** I think I'd say…

**Fitz (thinking) : **little betch you better say me

**Simmons:** Fitz would be okay.

**Fitz:** I KNOW YOU LIKE IT SWEET, SO YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CAKE! GIVE YOU SOMETHING GOOD TO CELEBRATE!

**Simmons:** okay, maybe Triplett

**Fitz:** ohh hell no

**Interviewer: Okay, next. Who would be the best girlfriend?**

**Ward:** SKYE SKYE SKYE SKYE SKYE SKYE SKYE SKYE SKYE

**Skye:** in your dreams

**Ward:** *'Fitz' accent* I know you care about me, Skye!

**Skye:** *deep voice* yeah but Imma throw you into the ocean

**Ward:** IT WAS ONE FREAKING TIME

**Fitz:** … Jemma.

**Simmons:** aww, that's so sweet, Fitz!

**Fitz (thinking):** betch I ain't sweet. i'm a bad boy…

**Simmons:** I'll go with Skye… in a non-lesbian way

**May:** *fangirls* SKIMMONSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS *waves Skimmons poster*

**Coulson:** what

**May:** *puts away poster*

**Skye: **#SKIMMONS

**Ward:** BETCH NO *throws Simmons off plane* AND I AIN'T GONNA SAVE HER THIS TIME *does Harlem shake

**Interviewer: Okay. Now, who do you think is the most valuable member of the team?**

**May:** Well, I'm the pilot, so y'all are going nowhere without me.

**Coulson:**I'm the leader and highest level... I think I'm more valuable than all you lower levels.

**Skye:** Um excuse moi, but the hacker with the Trojan horse is RIGHT HERE

**Ward:** I would say myself, but im not technically on the team. So Skye. *blows kiss*

**Fitz:** hmm I think moi because MY ACCENT BRINGS ALL DA GIRLS TO DA YARD AND I'M LIKE-

**Ward:** excuse me no

**Fitz:** hell to the yes

**Simmons:** Okay, well. MEEEE because I'm the science person wooo

**Skye:** You go, babe!

**May:** *whispers* skimmonssssss

**Skye:** omg calm down may. It was girl-talk

**May:** skimmons ftw

**Ward:** NO *shoots May**puts May in oven* *feeds May to the team*

**Coulson:** omg this is so good, Ward! Where did you learn to cook?

**Ward:** in the kitchen you idiot

**Fitz:** is this Chinese food? It tastes like Chinese food.

**Ward:** *sweats* *shoots Fitz* *puts Fitz in oven* *feeds Fitz to the team*

**Triplett:** hmm… it tastes sort of European

**Simmons:** Maybe Scottish?

**Ward:** *shoots Triplett and Simmons* heil hydra betches

**Ward:** cmon Skye let's get some froyo *leaves with Skye*

**Coulson:** well thanks for the invite *le sob*

**If you have any questions for the team, leave them in a review or PM! They can me serious or funny and they can be directed to a certain person if you want.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Favorite Food & More

**Interviewer:** **Before we begin, I'd like to ask Ward not to cook anyone this session.**

**Ward:** but…

**Interviewer: We have some questions from **_**AgentMaryMargaretSkitz. **_**First; What is your favorite food?**

**Coulson:** Well, it used to be steak but then I tasted Ward's cooking.

**May:** the inside of your stomach was very… disturbing. I found a picture of Captain America in your stomach. WHY

**Coulson:** …

**Triplett:** I enjoyed Ward's cooking, as well.

**Fitz:** Why did you cook us, Ward?

**Ward:** I have problems.

**Skye:** No kidding.

**Fitz:** my favorite food is a sandwich. Prosciutto, buffalo mozzarella, and a touch of pesto aïoli on a baguette.

**Ward:** would you like me to make you one?

**Fitz:** are you going to put someone in it?

**Ward:** …

**Ward:** maybe

**Interviewer: Okay, next. What is the most embarrassing thing you've caught someone doing?**

**Ward:** *cackles*

**May:** don't you dare

**Ward:** *cackles*

**May:** goddamnit Ward

**Ward:** *cackles*

**May:** keep your mouth shut, you hear me?

**Ward:** MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**Ward:** We'll see…

**Ward:** no

**May:** *shoots Ward* *Drowns Ward* *Punches Ward* *throws Ward off plane*

**Ward:** *eaten by monkey*

**Coulson:** okay

**Simmons:** Fitz, did you make that monkey eat Ward?

**Fitz:** I am the Monkey Whisperer…

**Triplett:** wait monkeys don't eat people

**Fitz:** *throws Triplett off plane*

**Triplett:** *eaten by monkey*

**Fitz:** OR DO THEY?

**Interviewer: BACK TO THE QUESTION, PLEASE!**

**Coulson:** Well, one time I saw Fitz doing

**Fitz:** you shut your mouth

**Coulson:** Brazilian Butt Lift

**Fitz:** DO I NEED TO FEED YOU TO THE MONKEYS

**Coulson:** while wearing

**Fitz:** NO

**Coulson:** Skye's

**Fitz:** I'm warning you

**Coulson:** bikini

**Everyone:** …

**Skye:** YOU DID WHAT WHILE WEARING MY WHAT

**Ward:** no one goes through Skye's bathing suits but me

**Skye:** WHAT? And aren't you dead?

**Coulson:** it was a rather disturbing sight

**May:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**Simmons:** Oh, Fitz

**Fitz:**

**Triplett:** did it work?

**Fitz:** what?

**Triplett:** Did it work? I've been thinking of trying it.

**Fitz:**

**Ward:** there is no need for Brazilian Butt Lift. I can whip up some smoothies for you

**Fitz:**

**Ward:** hold on a sec. *ties up May* *duct tapes May's mouth* Okay. Now I can tell you what I saw May doing.

**May:**

**Ward:** okay so I was walking around and I went into the lab

**May:**

**Ward:** and I saw May. She was using Skye's laptop

**Skye:** b!tch what

**Ward:** and she was watching something. And she was wrapped in a blanket and she was crying really hard and there were tissues everywhere

**May:** grrrrrrr

**Ward:** and so I looked at the screen… and she was watching Angelina Ballerina.

**Simmons:** but why was she crying

**Ward:** because it was the day of the big show and apparently stupid Angelina locked herself in her room and she couldn't get to the show to perform.

**Skye:** MAY watches ANGELINA BALLERINA?

**Skye:** lol you're lying

**Ward:** go ahead and check your laptop's history

**Skye:** *checks laptop* oh yeah she did watch it

**Ward:** *frees May*

**May:** you son of a gun

**Ward:** *cackles* Run, run as fast as you can! CAN'T CATCH ME I'M THE GINGER-WARD MAN *runs*

**May:**I would chase you, but the season finale of Angelina Ballerina is on soon

**Triplett:** I saw Fitz making out with a teddy bear.

**Fitz:** I WAS PRACTICING

**Simmons:** for what?

**Fitz:**

**Ward: ***laughs*

**Coulson: ***tries to hide his laugh*

**Skye:** *laughs*

**May: ***laughs on inside; remains stoic on outside*

**Fitz: **nothing

**Simmons:** oh come on, Fitz! You're my best friend! You can tell me anything

**Fury:** *whispers to Fitz* FRIEND-ZONED

**Simmons:** what? I couldn't hear you

**S.H.I.E.L.D. (minus Fitz and Simmons): **AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**Fury: ** I said that-

**Fitz:** he said that my calzones are done

**Ward:** YOU MADE CALZONES WITHOUT ME? HOW DARE YOU!

**Ward:** *shoots Fitz* *puts Fitz in calzone*

**Interviewer: WARD! WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT COOKING PEOPLE?**

**Ward:** *lowers head in shame* *takes Fitz out of calzone*

**Interviewer: okay, moving on.** **Who is your favorite Avenger?**

**Avengers:** *enter room and give death stares to everyone*

**Coulson:** OHMYGOD CAP IS HERE! CAP IS HERE! CAPTAIN AMERICA IS _RIGHT HERE!_

**May:** well there's your answer. I'm torn between Romanoff and Thor

**Thor:** *flips hair*

**May:** Nevermind definitely Thor

**Skye:** yasss Thor Odinson is life

**Simmons:** obviously Dr. Banner

**Fitz:** IRON MAN IS IN THE BUILDING

**Captain America:** Stark sucks

**Coulson:** oh my gosh totally.

**Tony Stark:** *rolls eyes*

**Fitz:** HATERS GONNA HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

**Stark:** I'M JUST GONNA SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE

**Fitz&Stark:** SHAKE IT OFF! SHAKE IT OFF!

**Fitz: **HEART BREAKERS GONNA BREAK BREAK BREAK BREAK BREAK

**Ward:** AND BAKERS GONNA BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE

**Everyone: **…

**Stark: **first of all this is Fitz and my thing-

**Fitz:** holy crap we have a THING

**Stark: **and second of all those aren't the lyrics

**Ward:** I just like to sing about cooking

**Taylor Swift:** you are offensive to my songs. Get out

**Skye:** OMG TSWIFT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

**Simmons:** I LOVE TAYLOR SWIFT!

**May: **ANOTHER THING YOU HAVE IN COMMON! SKIMMONS WILL LIVE FOREVERRR

**Interviewer: this brings us to our next question from **_**tori karr**_**. May, why are you so obsessed with Skimmons?**

**May:** BECAUSE IT'S F*CKING PERFECTION AND NOTHING BEATS SKIMMONS

**Ward:** Skyeward does

**May:** FILTHY SKYEWARD-SHIPPING SCUM

**Ward: **DIRTLY LITTLE SKIMMONS-SHIPPING PEASANT

**May:** SKYEWARD SUCKS

**Ward:** SKYE IS MY SOULMATE! WHO ELSE WOULD I BE WITH?

**May:** I DON'T CARE; GO WITH THE CELLIST FOR ALL I CARE

**Coulson:** *le gasp* how dare you

**Ward:** YES HOW DARE YOU! Sir, should I take care of her?

**Coulson:** yes

**Interviewer: NO**

**Ward:** *shoots May* *puts May into apple pie* *serves pie*

**Coulson:** *moans* this is so goooooooooooood

**Triplett:** yes it is

**May:** COULSON! YOU JUST ATE MY LEFT BUTTOCK

**Coulson:** *spits food out*

**Coulson's spitted out food:** WHEEEEEEEEEE *lands on Triplett's plate*

**Triplett:** *le gasp* *le sob* *le gasp-sob*

**Interviewer:** **OKAY! Last question for today, requested by multiple people; Who is your favorite actor/actress?**

**Skye:** ooooh that's a hard one. Robbie Kay, Chris Hemsworth…

**Ward:** Brett Dalton…

**Skye:** ew no

**Ward:** *leaves room wordlessly*

**Simmons:** David Tennant has such amazing hair and omygosh-

**Fitz:** I thought you liked my hair

**Simmons:** oh its fine, but David Tennant-

**Fitz:** and my accent

**Simmons:** FITZ WILL YOU STOP INTERRUPTING ME! I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND, I AM OBLIGATED TO SAY THOSE THINGS-

**Everyone (minus Simmons): ***shocked silence*

**Coulson:** sorry but you're off the team

**May:** get off my plane

**Skye:** wow Simmons. Way to crush Fitz's poor soul.

**May:** please don't fight… skimmons will live on

**Ward:** I let you touch my naked chest when you were fixing me up, and this is how you repay that kindness?

**Triplett:** That's just cold, Simmons. Icy cold

**Fitz:** oh that reminds me of a song. Too bad I don't feel like singing

**Stark:** don't worry man, I got this. YOU'RE GONNA CATCH A COLD, FROM THE ICE INSIDE YOUR SOUL! DON'T COME BACK FOR ME! WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE

**Jemma:** Agent Jemma Simmons of S.H.I.E.L.D.

**Fury:** we're kicking you out of S.H.I.E.L.D.

**Garret:** wanna join HYDRA? ;)

**Romanoff:** Even _my_ heart is warmer than yours. You got a lotta red on that ledger, Simmons.

**Fitz:** well goodbye Jemma. And good riddance

**Everyone (minus Jemma and Interviewer): ***leaves*

**Simmons:** I don't know what their problem is

**Simmons:** so anyway, as I was saying… David Tennant *blabs about David Tennant for ten hours*

**Don't worry, Simmons and Fitz will be on good terms soon. **

**:) any questions? Just ask.**


	3. Dance-off, Skye's Parents & More

**Interviewer: We're back with another set of questions for the Agents, and everyone is still pretty mad at Simmons. Also, May is going through terrible stress because Skimmons 'broke up.' I mean really, were they even together in the first place?**

**Ward:** nope

**Interviewer: you just interrupted my intro… but whatever. So yeah, May is going through a hard time. She deals with her stress by pulling out her hair, which is why she is nearly bald at the moment.**

**Fitz:** wait, what happens when she runs out of hair?

**Coulson:** She starts pulling out _other_ people's hair.

**May:** *pulls hair*

**Fitz:** We all know who she should start with…

**Everyone (minus Simmons): ***turns heads creepily and in unison to look at Simmons*

**Interviewer: Okay calm down everyone. First we have several questions from **_**agentsj3**_**. Who would win in a dance-off?**

**Fury:** Definitely not Simmons. Her heart is made of ice, so it probably spread to the rest of her body and she can't dance now.

**May:** *pulls hair*maybe if Skye and Simmons entered together-

**Skye:** no way I'm entering with Simmons

**Ward:** Yeah, she's entering with me.

**Skye:** No…

**Ward:** Yes

**Skye: **no

**Ward: **YES

**Fitz:** CUZ YOU'RE HOT THEN YOU'RE COLD, YOU'RE YES THEN YOU'RE NO! YOU'RE IN THEN YOU'RE OUT YOU'RE-

**Interviewer: Oh, I guess this answers the question 'Who sings the most?' So we're moving on. Also from **_**agentsj3**_**: Who do you think Skye's parents are?**

**Ward:** Idk, but whoever they are, they'd better like me, cuz they're going to have to live with me for the rest of their lives.

**Skye: **why?

**Ward:** um because after all this funny business we're getting married and we're having five kids, four boys and one girl, and then we'll discover that Simmons is barren and can't carry a little FitzSimmons, so they will adopt one of our boys.

**Skye:** wow you have it all mapped out, don't you?

**Ward:** yes Fitz and I wrote it together

**Skye:** uh huh… and what happens if _I_ can't carry a baby?

**Ward:** you can. I already made sure.

**Skye:** ok first of all THAT IS REALLY CREEPY and second, this is all going so fast. We don't even have a song.

**Ward:** a song?

**Skye:** yeah. Like a song that couples have, and it's played at their wedding and stuff

**Fitz:** *whispers in Ward's ear*

**Ward: **OUR SONG IS THE SLAM OF SCREEN DOORS, SNEAKING OUT LATE, TAPPING ON YOUR WINDOW! WHEN WE'RE ON THE PHONE, AND YOU TALK REEEEEEAAAL SLOW… CUZ IT'S LATE AND YOUR MAMA DON'T KNOW! OUR SONG-

**Skye:** First of all, Fitz just told you those lyrics. Second, none of that ever happened

**Ward:** babe, just go along with it

**May:** *le gasp* DID YOU JUST CALL HER 'BABE?' SORRY NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE ONLY SIMMONS CAN DO THAT SO GET OUT

**Ward:** Time for some cherry pie… *molds May's body into shape of cherry* *puts May in pie crust and bakes* *serves with ice cream*

**Coulson:** omg Ward I think I'm going to promote you to Level 10

**Hill:** but sir, don't you remember he-

**Ward:** SHUSH, LITTLE LADY *puts Hill in freezer for later use*

**Coulson:** aww…. How come _she_ gets to act out _Captain America?_

**Interviewer: *facepalm*Okay then. Let's move on, shall we? Hmm, we have a question from **_**a62belle**_**; What's your favorite song?**

**Fitz:** NO PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE

**Coulson:** anything the cellist plays *winks*

**Fitz:** PLEASE

**Ward:** if May could talk right now, she'd probably say that her favorite song is the Angelina Ballerina theme song.

**Skye:** my favorite song is-

**Ward:** _our_ song? *smiles*

**Skye:** ma noi

**Fitz:** I AM BEGGING YOU

**Simmons:** calm the eff down

**Fitz:** well I can't listen to you, so… WHAT I'M GONNA DO NOW IS FREAK THE FREAK OUT *freaks the freak out*

**Interviewer:** **Okay, I think we should go to the next question. What would you do if mashed potatoes fell from the sky?**

**Ward:** I would taste them to see if they had been seasoned enough.

**Skye:** Ward this is getting out of hand.

**Ward:** well, if you really think that…

**Coulson: ** NO WARD! NEVER STOP COOKING! SKYE, SHUT YOUR MOUTH

**Ward:** *le gasp* DON'T YOU EVER RAISE YOUR VOICE AT HER AGAIN! Bae, are you okay?

**Skye:**… im not your bae

**May:** she's Simmons' bae

**Skye:** nope

**Fitz:** is anyone even going to answer the question?

**Coulson:** WARD YOU BETTER COOK SOMETHING ELSE RIGHT NOW

**Ward: ** *le gasp* this is my moment! This is what I've been waiting for, for the last hour! *takes Hill out of freezer* *makes meatballs* *serves over nice, tender pasta with spicy marinara and garlic bread* May I present to you, my Meat-Hills.

**Coulson:** *takes bite* *dies because it's so good*

**Surgical Team:** *runs in with T.A.H.I.T.I.*

**Interviewer:** **are we serious right now? Really? Ward, no more cooking for you. Next question; from **_**erburnham02**_**, Who is most likely to join H.Y.D.R.A.?**

**Ward:** is this some kind of joke to you

**Ward:** "burn ham"

**Ward:** excuse me

**Ward:** why

**Ward: **first of all, I hate you. Second of all, it is disrespectful to burn hams, especially two times.

**Skye:** I like erburnham02

**Fitz:** she seems smart

**Simmons:** she knows the right questions

**Skye:** yeah obviously Ward!

**May:** skyeward has fallen… bring in the troops! Skimmons shippers, assemble!

**Skimmons Shippers (SkSh):** *assembles*

**May:** *evil cackle*

**Ward:** Hail, Skyeward!

**Skyeward Shippers (SWSh): **Hail! *begins firing at SkSh*

**Random person who appears:** what about Skitz

**Skitz Skippers (SzSh): ***scattered shouts from the ten people there*

**All 3 Shipper-groups:** *engages in war*

**Coulson:** okay, why are we even arguing about this? We should be arguing about what me and May's ship name is- Philinda or Mayson?

**Skye:** I'd go with Mayson

**Fitz:** no, Philinda

**Interviewer: CAN WE JUST ANSWER ONE QUESTION WITHOUT ERUPTING INTO SHIP-FIGHTS, WARS, OR ANY TYPE OF VIOLENCE, INCLUDING MONKEY-FEEDING AND COOKING PEOPLE?**

**Everyone:** *lowers heads in shame*

**Interviewer:** **Ugh. Take 5 minutes to calm down, we'll pick this up later.**

Review any questions!


End file.
